‘You don’t know where you are vulnerable until you fail’ – Unknown
Vulnerabilities, failure, 2015. These are words I find no trouble in using interchangeably, a bit more than I care to admit. 2015 for me was like a big mould-infested loaf of failure that when you least expect it surprises you with sweet patches of white bread; that is success. Every project I set to do failed miserably; some doing their best to outdo the rest in a nose-dive competition. Just when I was about to give up, covered in dirt and bruises, life threw me a bandage, just to make sure that I was not too comfortable, because comfort in an uncompromising world could only throw me back into a mire of more hurt and more failure. It was like a big malicious roller-coaster, a dose that does not serve my emotional elasticity all too well. 2015 was a big bully; the big bully that seemed invincible but suddenly vanishes to pave way for the real bully 2016 who steps in town and towers over him rendering him obsolete. Hi there 2016, can we be friends? *as I struggle to conjure up a puppy eyes expression, with the black eye on top of my black eye.
Relationships came to an end and I had to pick up my pieces and move on. I had to start to figure out who I was before they started. I cried, I asked questions, only for the unkind answers to lead me into a pit of great pity for myself. And just when the music in the pity party turned loud and I was getting used to putting on my sadness-pyjamas, eating tears and rocking sad blog posts, life handed me new friends and newer relationships began to bloom. To lose myself in the excitement of something new, I plunged headlong into the dance that was knowing them, mastered the steps of their mysterious personalities and gasped at the rhythm of our heartbeats coalescing for a course greater than us, but it soon ended with the climax of unmet expectations and broken hearts. Still, life went on, undeterred by my hurt, unmoved by my lyrical cries.
I finished school and had to make the tough career choices every ex-teenager has to make at some point. I waited for the light bulb moment, the aha! the stroke of lightning, the coup de foudre that would set me straight into the gates of wealth, to a life of comfort and luxury. Or at least gates, my very own. Instead, life gave me many uncharitable moments; rejected job applications, jobs I had to turn down because they were not in tune with my principles, moments of being extremely broke and jobs that paid way less than I would have cared to consider. I sulked, at best, in those moments until I realized that they were what easily filled my plate, and so I began to anticipate them.
The noteworthy moments that shone bright for me in 2015; joining a new church, winning a paid camp through an article I wrote and graduating. If by some miraculous means, I’d be granted a chance to live 2015 anew, I would change nothing, because I know all of it had a specific purpose. At the end of this year, I am grateful that I failed too much I am almost an expert in it. I am grateful that I got my heart broken so many times. I am most grateful though that somehow I had the courage to attempt, even though failure was inevitable, because at the end of the day, it’s not the head cheerleader at the sidelines that matters, neither was it the #teamyeswecan who can’t finish the race, but the one who rises from the dust and defeat, musters any shred of courage they possibly can, and faces the never-ending list of bullies in the arena of life. And no, that courageous character couldn’t have been me, for I know the many times I crawled outside the ring for any real or unreal atmosphere of relief. I deserve not one ounce of credit for any giants slain, if at all. I claim no victory as my own.
As the year draws to a close, I can gladly say it is well, because in my weakness, Christ’s strength is made manifest, and it is in Him that I ride on, in Him that my hope stays and to Him be all the glory. It has always been for His glory, the vulnerabilities, the failures and the disappointments. It is Him who will grant me the strength and the confidence to rise up, wipe my bloodied nose and tell 2016, bring it on!!!